Miscarriage: The Grief We Don’t Talk About Enough

Holding space for loss, love, and healing — from a Doula’s heart.

Miscarriage is one of the most common experiences in pregnancy, and yet it is rarely talked about — even in the birth world. Every day, women carry the quiet weight of grief for the babies they never got to meet. They return to work, raise other children, attend baby showers, and live their lives with a wound that is often invisible to others. We walk shoulder to shoulder, grieving in silence. And that breaks my heart.

There’s an unspoken divide between those who have experienced pregnancy loss and those who have not. The silence around miscarriage can make it feel isolating and even shameful. Many are afraid to say the wrong thing, so they say nothing at all. But what if we talked about it? What if we opened the door to the raw, the vulnerable, and the deeply painful?

As a doula, I’ve supported many families through miscarriage and stillbirth. Often, this work happens quietly — without ceremony, without announcement. But every time, it is sacred. Recently, I sat with a mother experiencing a miscarriage. We had the most honest, tender conversation. We spoke about her baby. We made a plan. We validated her motherhood. That moment reminded me: this is what women deserve.

If you’re going through a miscarriage — or walking alongside someone who is — here are some reflections I’ve gathered from years of supporting families through loss:

1. Allow Yourself to Go Through It

Miscarriage is not just a medical event — it is a profound life experience. Give yourself permission to feel it fully. Don’t minimize it, even if it happened early. Your attachment was real, your dreams were real, your love was real. Let yourself name your baby. Share your grief. Talk about how much it hurts. Pushing the pain down won’t make it go away — it will only delay your healing. You deserve to move through this with honesty and dignity.

2. Its OK to Mother This Child

You are a mother, even if your baby is no longer in your womb or arms. For some, healing comes through tangible rituals — naming the baby, holding them if possible, creating a keepsake, or planning a burial. These acts can help bring closure and mark the sacredness of this brief but meaningful life. This isn’t about making the grief disappear — it’s about honoring the fullness of your experience as a mother to this child.

3. People Will Say Awkward, Dismissive Things

One of the most painful parts of miscarriage is how people respond. You may hear things like “At least it was early” or “You can always try again.” These comments are often meant to comfort but can feel deeply invalidating. Try not to carry the weight of other people’s discomfort. They simply don’t know better. Extend grace when you can, and gently educate when you feel strong enough. Most importantly, surround yourself with people who allow you to grieve openly.

4. Sit in the Grief

Grief is not linear. It comes in waves — some days will feel okay, others will knock the wind out of you. That is normal. Don’t rush your healing. Let yourself cry, rage, ache, and mourn. There are no wrong emotions in grief. Writing in a journal, speaking to a therapist or doula, or simply talking to a friend who gets it can help release what needs to come out. Grief demands space — give it the space it deserves.

5. Make Memories

Even in the midst of loss, you are still making memories. If it feels right, mark the experience in a meaningful way. Take a walk and talk to your baby. Light a candle. Read a story to your belly. Pick a song that will always remind you of them. Take a photo, even if you’re not showing. Buy a small item to keep. These moments can serve as anchors of connection — a way to say: you were here, and you were loved.

6. This Is Not Your Fault

So many women ask themselves: “What did I do wrong?” The answer, almost always, is nothing. Miscarriage is heartbreakingly common and most often caused by chromosomal abnormalities or hormones, that are completely out of your control. You did not fail. Your body did not betray you. You did everything you could with the information and resources you had. You are not to blame. Let that truth settle deep into your heart. We live in a broken world, where death is a part of life and no one can run from it, we can only move through it.

7. Care for Your Body

Your body has been through a physical and emotional trauma. Honor it. Give yourself rest, nourishment, gentle movement, and moments of comfort. Warm baths, nutrient-dense foods, hydration, herbal teas, soft blankets, journaling, reading and quiet walks can all be forms of healing. Your body remembers everything. Be tender with it. Ask it what it needs, and respond with kindness.

8. Spiritually, Pray Over Your Womb

If you are someone of faith, this can be a powerful and healing step. This was not a punishment or a failure in faith. We live in a broken world where loss and sorrow are part of the journey. Pray over your womb. Speak blessings over your body. Invite peace and life back into your spirit. Ask for cleansing, comfort, and the courage to carry on. There is sacredness in tending to your womb — not just physically, but spiritually too.

9. Your Angel Baby Lives in Your Heart & is always with You

Though they are not here in your arms, your baby will always live in your heart and on your mind. This is why it is important to make memories if the midst of this hard season. You may feel their presence in quiet moments or dream of what could have been. Let yourself go there. It can be healing to imagine them held in love, always connected to you. You are forever their mother, and they will forever be part of your story.

10. Talk to a Professional

You do not have to navigate this alone. Reach out to a trusted doula, midwife, therapist, or support group. There are people trained and ready to walk with you through the darkness. Professional support can help you find tools to process, grieve, and eventually heal. You deserve that care.

You Are Not Alone!

If you’ve experienced a miscarriage, I want you to know that you are not alone. You are not broken. You are not forgotten. You are a mother, and your experience matters.

If you need someone to talk to, my door is always open. Whether you're seeking support, a listening ear, or simply a place to share your story, I am here.

Sending you love, peace, and deep healing.

With tenderness,
Dasha Litvinov
Birth & Bereavement Doula